Why I Stay

I, along with so many others, am asking new questions of myself. Questions about my upbringing, how I’ve always thought about things, questions regarding theology, and a correct understanding of who I am in light of a perfect and holy God. There are so many points of view in the world today, and no lack of people to scream out those opinions demanding that everyone else around latch on to those beliefs. So, this season for me has been one of sifting. Sifting out the unnecessary things, narrowing them down to the basics. The basics of what is true, providing the only place that I can put all my hope and trust.

As a young girl, I established a deep abiding prayer life, connecting with God daily. To this day, I remain amazed each, and every time He meets me and speaks directly into my life. In high school, I felt a heavy burden for my friend who trusted in her church and her good works for her salvation, rather than in Jesus’ death and resurrection. God gave me a dream to help me see that it was not my burden to carry, that He would lead her to the truth. It was the first of many dreams He would give me throughout my life, giving me understanding and growing my trust in Him alone. In my young adulthood, I laid in fetal position on the floor at the base of my newborn’s crib; I wept, crying out to God to ease the pain of losing my husband to a car accident. He met me there; He comforted me as no one else could. After a two-year battle with cancer, my only sister was taken from me just a few years after I lost my husband. I wrongly assumed that God would spare me that pain since, in my mind, I had already endured enough. Each morning after, I woke to the reality that life had not turned out according to my plan, and every morning He met me with the reminder that His plan was greater. He did not let me carry the burden of this life being about me and my own desires; He continued to direct me to a much bigger purpose, His purpose. After years of a painful second marriage, I hiked in the mountains, crying out to God; He reminded me that I could trust Him alone. I placed my trust there, and He carried me through. God miraculously healed the relationship and brought forgiveness and change. Not a day goes by that I do not thank Him for that miracle.

I stay because nothing else satisfies the longing for relationship; I stay because no one else can ever be 100% trustworthy; I stay because He is all that I truly need; I stay because He cares about me in a way that no one else can; I stay because being separated from Him would be the death of me.