Where is my worth?

Years ago, being raised in a pastor’s home meant you were essentially living in a “fish bowl”. The stories I heard growing up about the home my mom was raised in were filled with correcting and changing behavior based on what others either verbalized in judgment toward them or what was perceived about how others felt about them. The pastor’s family was meant to be a picture of perfection, an example to all of the congregation members of what they needed to strive to be. This was partially a response to I Timothy 1:6 when speaking about the requirements to be an elder in the church it needed to be someone whose “…children are not open to the charge of being wild and disobedient.” If a pastor/elder did not live up to these requirements, they could loose their position and therefore their ability to provide for their family. This was a lot of pressure and I’m confident that pressure was passed on to their wives and children in very detrimental ways.

I’ve just come home from spending a week with my parents helping them through some health issues. My mom is the consummate encourager. She determined that her children would not feel the shame and discouragement she felt as a child growing up, but rather they would feel loved for who they were and not feel a need to react and change their behavior based on the criticism and judgment of others. Everything that I do to help my parents and serve them is responded to with encouragement and affirmation. This has been a great blessing in my life however, when I wrap my worth up into how others feel about me based on whether they encourage me or not, I’m right back in that same cycle that my grandparents operated in. Whether we are performing to not be criticized or performing to be affirmed, we still are living and changing who we are based on the reaction of those around us.

When I jumped in the car with my best friend at the airport after being with my parents all week, I found myself looking for affirmation, after all, I had been receiving it all week and was ready for it to continue. I had purposely not done anything with my hair, just wanting to be “natural” and not worry about what anyone thought, but I also realize that in the very act of not wanting to worry about what others thought, I was wondering what she thought of it and was looking for affirmation from her that she liked it, and that I had made the right choice to “not care about what others thought”. She didn’t take the bait, she never even mentioned my hair, and so I had a choice to make. I could interpret that she didn’t care for it, and try to do something different the next time I’m with her to try to solicit affirmation to then feel good about my choice and therefore feel good about myself. I could surmise that since she didn’t say anything bad about it, it meant that she liked it and therefore feel good about myself. Or, I could listen to truth, the truth is that my worth is not found in whether she or anyone else thinks I made a good decision about how I did my hair or any number of deeper more significant things that I choose to do on a day to day basis. The truth is that my worth is found in something much greater than what people think about me.

God’s Word tells me that God choose me (John 15:16), that I am His beloved (Song of Solomon 6:3), that I am His daughter, the daughter of the King (2 Cor. 6:18), I am created in His image (Gen. 1:27)…

When I react to criticism, lack of criticism, affirmation or lack of affirmation it’s like a ship being tossed back and forth based on which way the wind is blowing. God never intended for His children to live this way. He is our rock, He is our fortress, He is there for us in our time of need, my worth is based in who He is in me, not on anything or anyone else.